Almost deported!

Holy shit, I just came as close as I ever want to to being deported! I am in Tehran airport and my next flight is to Baku in Azerbaijan. However, because I'm flying out of Baku on a different airline I'm not registered as a transit passenger, which means I need a full visa. Australians can't get these on arrival.

In Tehran the info is super sketchy. Apparently the rules changed a week ago so you now need to get an Iranian visa on arrival (145 euros). Someone from the airport comes down and takes your passport and gets your boarding pass for you, then you go and pay for the visa.

My problem started with the boarding pass. The guy came back and asked if I had a visa for Azerbaijan and I said no. He says "Man, I should deport you". I heard should and thought he was taking the piss. Iranians are known for their great sense of humor, after all. But nope. He got on the phone and the only word I could make out was "deport". He said it a lot. Then he says to follow him and off we go to a Malaysian airlines flight back to Kuala Lumpur!

At the plane I told him that this is dumb, I'll just get a different flight to Budapest or somewhere else in Europe. He's like "Budapest?" so I showed him my boarding pass for my flight to Budapest. The guy from I should point out that on the walk down to the plane we acquired 7 or 8 other people, including a janitor (with mop and bucket) who wanted to see what all the commotion was about.

One of the acquisitions was a man who worked for Malaysian Airlines, who convinced this dude to sort it out for me. He ran Azerbaijan and tried to sort it out but failed, then he tried again and succeeded, I hope. I'm not yet in Azerbaijan but he says they'll accept me. If not they should just deport me onwards to Budapest!

I was so happy I kept calling him a legend. He started laughing and said not to thank him, it's his job. I replied that he's lucky I'm not kissing him. Thank God he ignored that. I could've ended up with the death penalty!

There were a bunch of other guys who were also supposed to be on this flight. They also didn't have an Azerbaijan visa and had also booked through the God awful kiwi.com. I got separated for deportation with this one staff member while another staff member sorted them out. I think the other staff member realised they don't have a visa either but didn't have the ability to call up Azerbaijan. Because they aren't on this flight. I may have got really bloody lucky!

Here's the kicker... Because he walked me through to the plane to deport me, I was already in the departure lounge, so after he fixed it up for me I just stayed there and didn't get the 145 Euro Iranian visa!

Luang Prabang to Budapest

I spent my last few days killing time in Luang Prabang. I went to a cocktail party on Friday night. I met some expats who invited me to play football with them on Saturday evening. The staff at the cocktail party heard I was playing so they invited me to play in their local league on Saturday morning at 8:30am. After an evening of free cocktails I did not go well on Saturday morning. I did manage to avoid vomiting. I came off before half time and went to sleep on the sideline. We lost 7-6.

I ended up bailing on the evening game. It was 37 degrees and I had to get my stuff sorted to leave.

I'm currently at Kuala Lumpur Airport waiting for my next flight to Tehran. Then I fly to Azerbaijan, then on to Budapest. From Budapest I'm getting a lift with a Polish guy who I met in Laos, who is going to drop me in the Czech Republic. It was a pretty lucky score to find a guy who flies back to Budapest the same day and whose journey home goes right past where I need to go. He did mention when I first met him that he'd probably try human flesh if he had the opportunity, so it could go badly for me...

Not much else for me to say, except some advice:
Don't slide tackle on astroturf.

Nong Khiaw

This should be a quick one...

On my last night on Luang Prabang I went and gorged myself on street food from the night market. I mean, I really made a glutton of myself. The next day I was getting a bus to Nong Khiaw. Naturally, I had food poisoning again. It's the same every time. Nothing uncontrollable, but extreme stomach cramps.

The bus drive through the carnage of Laos New Year. We had gone only a few 100 metres before we nearly took out a scooter. We were turning right and it was overtaking up the inside. The rider did some nifty maneuvering to squeeze between us and a telegraph pole.

At the petrol station the attendant was handing out free beers to the drivers.

Another half a km down the road we came across two smashed up scooters entangled in the middle of the road. The riders were getting treatment (beers) at the nearby shack. Further along a tip truck was almost rolled in a ditch. A bus was in a similar state at the next large town. It had totally misjudged the turn onto a bridge/driveway.

Laos people really, really no how to party/kill themselves.

After a delay when the bus broke down, I arrived in Nong Khiaw to find a surprisingly quiet village. From the bus station the village lines both sides of the main road. The place was almost empty and there certainly weren't any water fights. I assume everyone goes to the next town over. It was pumping harder than Luang Prabang when we came through. I really can't tell you much more about Nong Khiaw. I got a bungalow and haven't really left.

I know there is a waterfall that isn't really flowing. There is also a cave where the village would relocate to when the yanks would bomb them. I haven't been to either of them. I'm not even bovvered.

At first I was food poisoned, then it was raining. Those have been my excuses for doing nothing. They are somewhat true, but really, I've been enjoying lazing around reading an excellent book. It is called Pandora's Star, if anyone is interested.

Today I was feeling much better, the rain had cleared up and I finished the book. A perfect opportunity to go be active. I downloaded the sequel instead.

This is my view, not that I've looked at it much:



I'm going to go back to Luang Prabang tomorrow. I'm ready to leave Laos but still have 5 days here to kill.

Vang Vieng and Luang Prabang.

I've got a lot of catching up to do...

From Thakhek I decided to get an overnight bus to Vientiane, which is the capital of Laos. It isn't actually that far though, so the bus didn't leave until midnight. The tuk tuk drivers were being jerks and overcharging that late at night so I decided to walk. It was only 2km.

I started on the route maps.me suggested but didn't get far. Amongst the darkness in these photos was a pack of dogs which attempted to surround me:


I threw a rock at the dog that was blocking my retreat and backtracked. There was another slightly longer road to the bus station. I armed myself with a brutal looking stick and a handful of decent rocks and tried the other way. There were dogs that way too but they generally kept to themselves. I went past a pack of 4 without dramas until the littlest of the bunch tried to attack me. I got him with a rock and so the other 3 turned their attention to me. I flailed the stick around and the eventually stopped following me.

After a km or so I turned down a road which backs on to the bus station. There were no houses, just scrub and I didn't get bothered until I got closer to the bus station. Again I had to throw a rock at a couple of dogs to deter them. Another one wasn't deterred so it got a fairly good whack of the stick. It was the most stress I've had on this trip!

Probably the second most stress was the sleeper bus. I was up top, right against the windscreen. The air horn was directly below me. I'd be awoken by the horn, which was loud enough to shake the bed, and open my eyes to see a oncoming truck heading right for me. Every bump launched me into the air as well. I was lucky though. Generally they book 2 people to a bed so some people woke up with a strange person sleeping next to them!



We arrived at Vientiane and I decided to head straight for the other bus station and go to Vang Vieng. I met some people on that bus; a couple of gap year girls from Norway, a Canadian guy named Rocky and the most German bloke you'll ever come across.

The Norwegian girls had just spent 30 hours on a bus from Siem Reap with the German guy and one of them was openly hostile towards him. He couldn't seem to take the hint. He'd constantly ask really stupid questions and didn't seem to have a sense of humor. When we arrived in Vang Vieng we all sat down to get our bearings and the map said we were right next to an airport. The German couldn't get his head around how there could be space for planes to land in that part of the town (the airport is abandoned and covered in stalls) so Rocky, taking the piss, said they probably land on the road. The German guy looked around and said "No, I think the power lines would get in the way". No shit Sherlock. The rest of our time with him mainly involved him trying to understand how Laos isn't efficient like Germany and the people aren't as good at rules. He hung around with us for a couple of days then he just disappeared.

Actually, the last time I saw him he was in a tube on the river, so he possibly floated a little further down and drowned. We had also been in a tube on the river. The tubing in Vang Vieng was notorious in years gone by but after the President's son (or perhaps Prime Minister's son) joined the list of drownings it was shut down. It has recently come back to an extent.

We hired our tubes and got a tuk tuk to the river. As we jumped in we could already hear music. We floated for about 30 seconds then the ropes flew out and we were being dragged into the first bar. I expected more floating than that. A big group of people came down to the river and waded over to that bar, saving themselves the cost of a tube. We stayed at that bar for about 4 hours and admittedly the party games were pretty fun. Musical tubes was a highlight.

We left again and floated for maybe another 25 minutes to another bar.


We ate at the next bar and everyone kind of wanted to call it a day as it was getting dark. I vaguely remember chucking my shirt over this girls headland she just sat there like it for about 5 minutes.


The next day Rocky and I rented bikes and went to a couple of blue lagoons. The first one was a bit of a fun park for Chinese tourists. They were jumping out of trees, fully clothes (jeans and long sleeve shirts) with life jackets on. The highlight was when one guys toupee came off. Although when the Aussie guy I was chatting to got out of the water with only one foot it was a close second. I'd have made a joke about sharks in the water but I didn't want the German to return to tell me the lagoon isn't big enough and it was probably a prior injury.


We made a pretty steep climb up the hill to a cave entrance. It didn't look like much from outside but going in a bit it opens right up. We went a couple of hundred metres in, just using my phone for light. I would love to explore it properly because it was still massive and went on further than my light could shine when we turned back.


After that we went out to blue lagoon 3. It was very quiet, less pretty and seemed to be artificial. It was only when we took a wrong turn after leaving that we discovered the real blue lagoon 3. Some enterprising locals had made their own one 200 metres before the real one! It was too late for us to go to the real one so we rode back.

The next day I was getting the bus at 9am. While I was waiting out the front a somewhat dazed Rocky wandered up the stairs. He'd been enjoying the many free drinks on offer the night before and somehow ended up lost a few kilometers away. He was just getting back.

I got into Luang Prabang a few days ago. I dropped my stuff off and went around to visit Pom. Pom used to be the President of my football club in Australia. He is known for maintaining high levels of hatred for Coffs Harbour and hurling some excellent insults at George Negus. We had many beers and he told me about his new job here managing a hotel that had been run into the ground by previous sticky fingered staff. He's done a fairly good job turning the place around. It was definitely too high class for me to stay at!


I went and visited the night market the next night. It was fairly boring. The most interesting thing were the bracelets and bottle openers made from unexploded ordinance. The sign said "buy back your bombs". I thought about pretending to be an American and having at go at them for damaging US property.

Yesterday I met up with a couple I met in Vang Vieng and we went to the waterfall. It was very pretty but not much of interest happened.




I haven't been awake at this hostel much at all so last night I met the other people staying here. The people from my dorm all wanted to ask me something: "What the hell happened the other night?"
I didn't have a clue what they were talking about so they explained. Apparently I fell from the top bunk, sat up, ignored everyone when they asked if I was alright, stood up and left. I came back and went back to bed some time later. I have no recollection of this, nor was I sore. The floor is tile too. I sleep walk sometimes but I was also fairly drunk. It beats me, but they had all been waiting to ask for a few days.

After that awkward introduction we all decided to go bowling. It is the only place that stays open past 11pm. I bumped into some people who knew me from Vang Vieng at bowling. Two groups actually. They seemed familiar but I couldn't for the life of me remember them. I'm really puzzled by that. Bowling was awesome and we got back at about 3am. I won.

The only other thing I'll mention before I end this mammoth post is that it is Laos New Year at the moment. I think it is tomorrow but they've been partying since I've been here. The tradition is to wash away the previous year with water and start off fresh, like the Thai tradition of Songkran. This is conducted literally, involuntarily and by strangers. Groups of kids and teenagers (and adults today) stand on the side of the road and chuck buckets of water at passing motorbikes. They have been somewhat wary of me the past few days. I'm big, bearded, foreign and carrying a phone and bag. I've used their reluctance to sneak up behind them, grab their buckets and splash them back into them. It starts an all out frenzy and I tend to lose the fight. Today they didn't care if I was foreign or not. I was getting wet whether I liked it or not. I actually got done yesterday by 2 westerners in a full blown v8 black convertible gangster car being driven by a local. They did a proper drive by on me. It is the best fun. I'm bringing this tradition home for our new years celebrations.

Tomorrow I'm going to stock up on water guns and go get some revenge. The people that wet me today asked me what part of England I'm from so I'll attack them first.

I'm flying out from here on the 23rd. I'll probably do a trip further north before then. I fly to Hungary and will make my way to the Czech Republic to stay with my friends there for a week or so.

Then Charles and Ernesta's wedding in London!

The rest of the loop

I've arrived back in Thakhek after finishing the loop.

At the first place I stayed, where I last posted from, a lot of people arrived. Everyone sat around the fire and the hosts cooked a massive all you can eat BBQ. The owner was quite flamboyant and he definitely loved his job. He'd pass out beers and you somehow were expected to remember how many you had the following morning when it was time to pay.

The next morning I joined a group I'd met the night before. There was a yank named Jeremy; two Norwegians, Peter and Eric; an Italian named Sam and an Aussie, Rick.

Day 2 didn't have a whole lot of stops, but the road through the mountains was amazing with a lot of nice views. It sucks that phone cameras really don't do the views justice. Rick had a proper camera so I'll try to pinch his photos. Rick also rides bikes in Australia so he would do things with these scooters that they really weren't designed for.

Not long after we set off we decided to stop by the lake. There were groups of people fishing. They had these long poles that branched off into an X shape at the end with a net slung across it. They'd lower the net into the water and wait a few seconds. Fish would swim over the top and they'd raise the net and catch the fish. There was also a family eating some weird fruit that they dipped into a paste. They offered me some. The fruit was ok, but the paste was disgusting and probably the spiciest thing I've eaten so far. They loved it when I spat it out. One of the kids wanted to get a photo with me, so I got a photo as well.


We continued over the mountain and stopped at some carvings in the rock then stopped again on the descent at a view point, which it seems I didn't event take a photo of. I did get some footage of Rick doing donuts on his scooter.

I'm not sure if this YouTube link will work...
https://youtu.be/Q6DJOWKkiU4

We stopped at Lax Sao for a long lunch. The people serving us didn't seem to understand how a restaurant worked, or what we were saying. The menu was in both languages but I think perhaps they left off the meat in their language, so we had to make sounds if we wanted moo, oink oink or brk brk.

The next stop was a Cool Spring. It lived up to its name, it was really cold. There were a lot of locals there getting totally hammered and singing bad bad karaoke on their portable karaoke machines. There was also a bunch of locals washing their hair in the spring, which struck me as weird. But it looked really pristine, so it can probably use a few chemicals. We acquired another American, Taylor, at the cool springs.


After the cool spring we went up and over another mountain and stopped at another viewpoint overlooking a beautiful valley. We waited there to watch the sunset, but it wasn't too impressive.



That night we stayed in Nahin at the San Hak Guesthouse. It was very cheap and very nice with amazing food.

The following day we set off for the Konglor Cave. It is the main event. We made the 40km dash fairly quickly. The cave is enormous, with a stream running through it. We hired some boats and headlamps and set off. You really only sit in the boat. There is one spot where you walk up through the karst formations. The mountain we were travelling under is 439 metres high.






https://youtu.be/pobnBbCDsGI

After the cave we went swimming then went back to San Hak. We acquired a French girl, Marion, at San Hak taking our group up to 8. Yesterday, which was the final day, we had to return along the highway. It isn't like the highway at home though. There wasn't much traffic and still a lot of cows, pigs, chickens and goats. The road was good so we could zoom along relatively safely.

It was when we turned off to visit the Blue Lagoon that it all went pear shaped. Taylor, Marion and I got separated from the everyone else. We thought they were ahead but they were actually behind. Marion knew where the turn to the Blue Lagoon was so she was leading. I was following behind thinking she was setting a cracking pace. I was actually thinking I don't think I can go that fast around these corners when Marion confirmed it for me. She hit some gravel, the bike slid out from under her and she rolled down the road. No arms or legs flailing, she was like a log. The bike ended up in a ditch on the side of the road and she ended up face down, motionless. I stopped and went over to her and she sat up and started shaking her hands.

The locals came from everywhere to help out. They retrieved the bike and made a place for her in the shade. She had an awesome first aid kit but the locals also ran off and got the only thing that they had that could help - aloe vera.

She had a lot of scratches and cuts but none were too deep. Her hand, ankles, elbows, hips and arms were all cut up. She also hurt her thumb and her knee, which could be more serious in the long run. She was really shaken up so Taylor and I started busting the funnies. Laughter is the best medicine right. For how bad the crash was she was really lucky. And now that she is ok I'll admit it was a hilarious stack to watch.



We decided Taylor would take her back to Thakhek and I'd continue to the lagoon. We were also worried that Jeremy hadn't gone past. He also crashed earlier in the day but managed to slide along on his hand and ankles with only a small graze on his ankle. I went down this awful road for 24km and everyone was already there. They had actually been behind us and somehow gone past without seeing us after the crash.

The lagoon was nice, but you couldn't swim in it. There was a little stream you could swim in, which was lined with locals blaring techno music and getting drunk. When a lady rocked up to brush her teeth in the stream we decided to leave.


Now I'm in Thakhek again. Some of the guys left late last night and the others left early this morning. I did bump into Alex, who I'd met in Bangkok, totally randomly here as well. Small world.

Taylor is teaching English in Thailand and we have a loose plan to get a flat together in Hanoi toward the end of the year or maybe next year to work.

Tonight I'm going to get a sleeper bus to Vientiane then maybe head up to Luang Prabang. It leaves at 1am so at the moment I'm laying up in my big green lounge for as many hours as possible.

Khaek loop

There wasn't much happening in Savannakhet. I had a brief look around, got a SIM and went to the museum. There are apparently some old French colonial buildings. The only one I noticed was the hospital and a few houses. The museum was very ordinary. Only a couple of things of interest and no information. The crossbow they had looked really out of place.


Apparently taking a photo of religious buildings that aren't Buddhist is illegal.

I got the bus up to Thakhek yesterday. The trip was supposed to be 2 hours but took closer to 5. We had to stop to pick up about 50 doors from a workshop.

I had street food last night in Thakhek then went back to the hotel. There was a kind of hall thing across the road. I'd say it was a restaurant but the people doing the cooking were outside on the road. The locals were boozing and got really rowdy. I was tempted to join them but I had to get up early this morning to begin the Khaek loop.

The loop is a 450km round trip that takes at least 3 days. Today I went east from Thakhek through "cave alley" and into the mountains. I only stopped at a couple of caves - it rained heavily last night and the tracks looked a bit too muddy. The first cave took a bit if finding. I ended up riding my scooter down a bush track that was obviously only a walking track. I got it most of the way though.

The cave had a couple of little dark openings filled with water and a massive opening with a stream running through it. I was the only person there, which was nice. I climbed around the edges of the stream and went through the cave. It was only about 100 metres to the other side. I imagine in the wet season the stream turns into a torrent.






Bizarrely, down a little tunnel I found a seashell.











The second cave was larger and had been touristified. There were stairs inside and red and green lights. After wandering around there is a section with a stream and some boats. I waited for 15 minutes or so for the boatman to return but when he didn't I decided to give it a miss.


Looking natural...







The cave is so big even the signs echo.








After the caves the road continued through the dramatic karst formations before winding up into the mountains. At the top of the mountains there is an enormous lake. The edges of the lake were full of the trunks of dead trees. I went down to get a photo and there were people working across the water who continually shouted at me to "come here" even though I couldn't get there without swimming. When I started ignoring them they shouted at me to "play ball". It might be that they only know those 2 phrases, or they were actually speaking their own language and it just sounded like that. I gave them a few cooees and that shut them up for a bit.




The final section continued along the lake edge and I'm now in a town called Thalek. There are a few other people here doing the same thing. One guy I met in the second cave just arrived.

Tomorrow continues through the mountains to the Konglor cave, which is kind of the purpose of the trip. The third day is supposed to be a 110km dash down the highway to close the loop. I didn't fancy that so I rented the scooter for 4 days instead and will return the way I've come. That will give me a chance to visit some of the places I missed today.